You’re Not In My Will

No stamp collection is complete without the “Bread Forever.”

A call came my way with a woman disputing a 300 dollar charge. After searching high and low, I told her I didn’t see the charge in our system. Maybe it was from competitor Telethon and not Telescreen. Maybe her eyesight was going. Maybe she just couldn’t fucking read. Either way, she was being a pain in the ass.

Winston: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but I don’t see the charge in our system. The only thing that will help us track down whether or not this was in fact a charge from Telescreen would be if you could send in the bank statement you have in front of you showing the 300 dollar charge.”

This made her mad because she was old, she was dumb, she was lazy, and apparently she was fucking Amish since she “didn’t have a computer.”

Winston: “I wish there was more I could do, but there’s no charge that I can reverse.”

This made her even more mad, but she kept pressing. I told her no again. She got really mad, but kept at me. I told her no again and then she pulled the pity card.

Customer: “I have cancer! I’m going to die! You’re killing me right now!”

No! No! No!

You definitely don’t want to fuck with this mall cop.

Some ESP’s are in such extreme denial that they refuse to accept the truth. This happens quite a bit. For example, their bill says they owe 75 bucks. They think their bill should be free for some fucking reason. I explain why their bill is in fact 75 bucks, then they lose their shit. They yell, hang up, get their service disconnected, get sent to collections, and lose their shit again like two years later. I think the idea is that if they hang up, their bill magically goes away. Telescreen loves money too much to let that happen.

Other ESP’s like to jump on the denial train immediately. One in particular was quite skilled at blocking what he didn’t want to hear. He explained that he cancelled the service because it was a piece of shit. Understandable, Telescreen service is in fact really shitty. But then I had to explain a little issue with that. I kind of had to break some bad news. Since there’s a charge for breaking a contract, and Telescreen sure as shit doesn’t let us waive it, this psycho had 200 big ones on his bill. I started breaking the news slowly, but he was ready.

Winston: “Well…”

Customer: “No!”

Winston: “Um…”

Customer: “No!”

The Car-Sized Shit Fan

I have no idea what that means, nor do I want to know.

If you were to picture the Telescreen call-center, I’m sure you can imagine it’s as big a piece of shit as the company itself. Over the years, I’ve noticed a few things in particular that continue week after week. At this point, I can’t say I’m not surprised.

The janitors (or masters of the custodial arts) have a little system for cleaning shit up. If anything spills, leaks, etc, they just put a wet floor sign up and fucking leave it. Every damn time. Shit, I want their fucking jobs.

The cafeteria area looks pretty nasty, but when you get up close, you really get a better idea. Everything is sticky. The floors, the chairs, the tables, the counters. Not sure how or why, but I really don’t want to know.

The bathrooms look like a war zone, I mean, really goddamn disgusting. Hey, I went to college, it doesn’t bother me too much. Then I saw one day how they clean up. I was in there on my break of course (see Who Said You Could Go To the Bathoom? for further insight). Then a janitor came in, grabbed a wad of paper towel, wiped everything into the trashcan, and left. Boom, done, 10 second clean up. If you’re going to cut expenses, you might as well cut out cleaning supplies. I’ve seen that multiple times now, so it’s not a one off, but another one of their cleaning systems.

When shit breaks, shit stays broken. Lights that go out stay out, so we get bitched out by toothless trailer trash in the dark. When a toilet breaks, a plastic bag is put over it for an average of a month. The cooling system fucks up every spring and fall like clockwork. We have broken desks, chairs, and tables. The only things that are promptly fixed are the computers and phones, because God forbid we wouldn’t be taking calls every second of our shifts.

ESP Story Time

You need to know how to read to lead story time though.

I hear a lot of sob stories, many bullshit stories, and weird third-person stories. I don’t like to hear ESP stories, I just like to retell them. One ESP decided calling customer service was fucking story time. And let me tell you, his story was a piece of shit.

Winston: “Thank you for calling Telescreen Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Alright listen, I won’t tear your head off too. I’ve been doing that to everyone else. I’ll just tell you a story.”

Actually tearing my head off sounds better than fucking story time.

Customer: “Once upon a time, there was a Telescreen customer named Shithead McGee.”

Of course he used his real name, but Shithead McGee sounds better. Also, who begins a story with once upon a time? This isn’t fairytale land, this is fucking customer service.

Customer: “This customer ordered his services, paid his money, and then some, pardon me, fucking idiot installed the service. I’ve been having problems ever since and have never gotten them fixed.”

Wait, we’re switching from third person back to first person? What kind of shitty story is this?

Customer: “Can I be frank? The install was a fucking abortion. Fucking. Abortion.”

How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

Always listen to a truck covered in American flag asses.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

One of the things I deal with a lot in Super Department is identity theft. Anytime a customer even mentions it, the frontline reps are required to send them over to us. Which is a lot of fun, because most people are pissed off, generally at us. No Cletus, I didn’t steal your identity, I don’t want to be a dirty Redneck living in a fucking trailer outside of Hays, Kansas. Now that I think about it, identity theft really is serious, because the only thing worse than one dumbass Redneck is two!

We have a strict protocol when dealing with identity theft at Telescreen. We can’t tell the people anything about the account and have to refer them to the identity theft team. Seems easy enough, but people flip their shit. Hell, I’d be pissed too, but us reps get in hot ass water if we spill the beans. Damn, this identity theft business seems like some serious shit. Fortunately there are some solid ways to avoid having to talk to my uncaring self when someone sets up shitty Telescreen service in your name.

The definition of identity theft is when someone uses your personal information without your permission. Talk about a bullshit definition right there. Who the fuck would give permission to borrow their identity? “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back to you next week, I promise.” I mean, come on, this isn’t like borrowing a Con Air DVD or something.

The Remote Douche

 

Why yes that man in the tank is playing an anvil in front of a full orchestra.

Some people are just such raging assholes it’s ridiculous. They call up customer service and bully the reps into giving them what they want, all while verbally attacking and putting down the people that are helping them. I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that when they call me, I could give a fuck about their general existence on this earth, let alone their stupid fucking TV problems.

A call came in and must have been a cell phone, because it broke up a bit. I thought it sounded like some sort of salutation, but I wasn’t completely sure.

Winston: “I’m good, how are you?”

Customer: “What? I didn’t ask how you were. I asked if you have my account in front of you. Is that too much for you to handle?”

Winston: “I have your account here, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well then why don’t you look over my account and figure it out yourself?”

Apparently bitching is easy, but explaining is far too difficult.

Winston: “Well I see you’re trying to order a replacement remote.”

Customer: “No, I ordered a remote five times and five of you idiots failed. If they were working for me, they would all be fired. You are in a position of authority and you need to get this done NOW!”

How To Quiet A Crying Baby

 

Disclaimer: Dressing a child up as a pimp does not guarantee future success in life.

When I’m on the phone with people, I’d say a solid fourth of the time I have to listen to babies crying or kids fucking screaming. Usually into the phone. Loudly. Constantly.

Now I don’t have any kids, but if I did, I’d probably try to tell them to shut the fuck up. Well, I’d try to explain to them that they shouldn’t scream like raving fucking lunatics while I’m on the phone fixing the goddamn Internet.

As for babies, I’d wouldn’t try to reason with them, because they’re babies. They can’t fucking talk. They just shit and sleep, so there’s no hope of reasoning there.

Yet some customers would argue otherwise. I was going over a customer’s bill and had to keep raising my voice to be heard over the screaming baby right by the receiver of her phone.

Customer: “Hold on sir. EXCUSE ME! Now what were you saying?”

The baby continued to cry because it didn’t quite understand what the fuck she was saying. I started talking again.

Customer: “Hold on, hold on. Um, excuse me! Are you serious right now? Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

I’m Still Not Satisfied

So now I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I’ve talked to, right?

A lot of times, Angry Assholes just call in to complain. It seems like they aren’t actually calling to solve an issue, they just want to bitch someone out to make themselves feel better. They like to make a point to the call-center workers that they aren’t happy, which usually comes across loud and clear when they’re screaming “fuck you.”

One woman could not be appeased no matter what I did. She just wanted to be an asshole. Boy did she succeed.

Customer: “You better cancel my account or I’m calling the BBB!”

Winston: “Again, ma’am, I cannot cancel your account because we have a contract on file. Why don’t you tell me why you want to cancel and maybe we can figure out how to make the service better.”

Customer: “I’m not satisfied.”

Winston: “With?”

Customer: “Um…the signal.”

I put her on hold and surprisingly was able to get a tech out that same day and waive the charge.

Winston: “Well…it looks like I can get a tech to your home by this afternoon and I am able to waive the charge.”

Customer: “I’m still not satisfied.”

Winston Gets Hit On

In Montana, they have caution signs for deer. Other places have slightly different caution signs.

My calls are about 50/50. I’d say roughly 50% of the time the calls are uneventful and therefore amazing. 40% of the time a customer flips shit on me and has a fucking fit over something stupid. The other 10% are, well, just a little different…

Winston: “Okay ma’am, I think that settles your payment, you should be all good to. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I know my nurse told me not to flirt, but I just can’t help it. Do you have yourself a wife Mr. Winston?”

Winston: “Um, no, but I don’t think this is…”

Oh no, this isn’t happening.

Customer: “Hot dog! How about a girlfriend?”

Nope, it’s happening. Better lay down the law and hang up before it gets any weirder.

Winston: “Yes, I do have a girlfriend, now is there anything else I can help you…”

Customer: “Ah, shoot! Well you call me if you ever break up.”

The WTF Collection

“What the fuck is the problem with your sink?”

Sometimes I just have to ask, “What the fuck?”

Customer: “Telescreen is way worse than anything else I’ve ever had. They’re just the worst! Worster! Worsterest! You hear me? Worsterest!”

Well, your grammar is shit, shitty, shittiest.

Customer: “It’s not my responsibility to understand what the agent is saying to me!”

So…who should be listening to the conversation then? I’ll just assume you have an assistant following you at all times.

Customer: “Let me tell you man, don’t have kids, there’s no damn refund.”

I was just wondering as your kids were screaming in the background if you could actually return them once they turn into little assholes. Apparently you can not.

Customer: “I told you these kids messed up my cable line. Don’t ever move into a neighborhood with kids, they are motherfuckers!”

Well, I suppose you may be right that some kids are pieces of shit, but finding a neighborhood kid-free will land you in an old folk’s home.